In the end
by mercyn
Summary: why can't it be me? why is it her? i know him best right?  sad sad sad story. one-shot


**hey, my first attempt on writing something sad. enjoy, hope you cry cuz i did when i wrote it.** **:(**

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><p>Renji and his drinking buddies (Hisagi, Kira, Ikkaku Yumichika, Shunshui, Ukitake was tagging along for fun) was walking along the tenth division barracks when they sobbing. Yes, sobbing. Renji looked around and located the noise. It was coming from Matsumoto's room. Explains why she wasn't drinking with them today. But he was still concerned. Exchanging glances with his friends they slowly crept up to the room and looked inside. What they found shocked them. It wasn't Masumoto that was crying, it was Karin. The fourth seat of the eleventh division was crying. Everybody knows Karin doesn't cry. So why is she now? Hoping to get answers Renji tried to walk in. Only to be hit by Shunsui and hold down by Yumichika.<p>

"Stupid, don't go in. you'll just make it worse. Besides, Rangiku can handle it better than we can." Yumichika said.

"Don't interrupt them. A girl's crying should never be interrupted." Shunsui reprimanded. He had seen Nanao cried. He never really got over it.

Then, as if by a unanimous decision they sat down by the door and try to figure out what's wrong. So they were eavesdropping.

Matsumoto held the shaking frame of the sobbing girl gently. She was walking to meet Renji for their daily drink when she came across Karin crying. The orange top was shocked at first, but then motherly instinct took over. She walked up to the young woman, took her in her arms and comforted her, asking what's wrong. When Karin shakily said she didn't want to talk about it here, Matsumoto shunpoed them to her room. And that's when everything spilled. It was like a lid on Pandora's Box opened all Karin's troubles just flowed out and she cried like she never had before. Even more than when she cried at her mother's funeral. One day Rangiku would look upon this moment as the one heart wrenching moments of her life. Second to only the moment Gin died.

Drawing a shuddering breath the Kurosaki girl said "I love Toshiro."

Rangiku's face was like a kaleidoscope of emotion then. Flashing from motherly to shock that Karin said that to her then to disbelief that Karin actually loved someone, more so her taicho. Next to realization, how all the missing puzzles pieces were coming together, it made so much more sense now. Then to pity, the girl's got a rocky and painful road ahead of her. Finally back to motherly comforting again, it's what she needs right now, not the time for questions yet. A similar process was happening outside. They couldn't believe the violent girl would love her best friend. Kira, on a nervous reflex kinda thing, was about to go and tell Hitsugaya-taicho of this new revelation. He never made it to the door. Ikkaku and Hisagi stopped him without any sounds that could warn the girls of them being here. Wanting to hear what happens next they settled down and got comfortable.

"Are you shocked?" Karin asked her tears drying a bit now. But she was still a bit shaky. Matsumoto just nodded. Oh well, basic questions never hurt anyone.

"For how long?"

"What do you mean? How long have I loved him or how long have I known?"

"Both I guess."

"Well, I think I loved him from the moment he sat with me by my mother's grave. But I never knew about what I was feeling until he smiled at me during my graduation. But it's one-sided love. Unrequited really. It's my failed attempt at something in the afterlife."

"So I guess taicho doesn't know." It wasn't a question. It was a statement, but Karin answered anyway,

"No Toshiro doesn't know. He's as dense as Ichi-nii about stuff like this. People think that since he has you as a fukutaicho, he would be more in depth with this kind of stuff. But he wouldn't know who loves him until they went up to his face and yell out their confession. I even told Karyuu not to tell Hyorinmaru about my feelings. But I think she already told him. At least Hyorinmaru had the sense to not tattle to Toshiro. He's stressed enough as it is. I don't need to put my feelings in on top of that. Besides, he has Momo. They _are_ dating. I'll just ruin the happy picture if I come into it. So don't tell him. I should have told him what he meant to me myself. But I didn't, so now I pay the price."

Nanao was running around looking for her captain when she found him sitting by Rangiku's door. She was about to yell at him when she noticed that he was looking serious for once, something was wrong. Stopping in her tracks and placing a hand on Yachiru's mouth to stop her from yelling out like she usually would, it was hard since she was on Kenpachi's shoulder. Nanao asked what's wrong but Kira just pointed to the door. Listening she heard crying and it sounded like _Karin_ crying. Wordlessly she took her place sitting beside her captain and Kenpachi sat down too. It was _HIS _soldier crying in there.

"I know of the differences between me and Hinamori. It is pretty obvious. She's kind, I'm not. She's innocent, and I'm manipulative. She's proper, I'm crude. She's feminine, I hate dresses. She rather heals than fight while I rather die than give up fighting. In other words she's perfect and I'm….not.

"Do you really believe that?" Rangiku questioned

"Yes I do. But I ask myself all the time why does it have to be her? Why can't it be me? I'm the one who sees him smile and actually heard him laugh. I bet I'm the only one who does in the whole soul society. Did you know his laugh is amazing? Why does he choose her? Sure she's his child hood friend, but I'm the one who knows him best. I know that he secretly likes the sweets that Ukitake gives him, I know sometimes leave behind a few bottles of sake for you when he knows you deserve it. I know what all his expressions mean. When he's happy or when he's sad, or when he's doing a lot more than his body can handle, no matter how much he tries to hide it, I know. I can read him like a children's book. I even saw him cry, CRY. He doesn't even do that in front of you, only me, only me. So why can't he see it. I've been here all this time at is back door, when all he does is look to the front. Waiting for Momo, waiting for his love." she said this part with venom in her voice. Then it turned desperate. "But Momo can't even do all those things. I'm sure she can when he was little. But now he's grown up and she can't read him like I can. She can't understand him like I do. Why doesn't he turn around for once and notice me. It's not that hard is it? Why can't he just wake up and see he belong with me. Why, why, why, WHY, WHY?" Karin was full out wailing now. Matsumoto couldn't do anything but pat the girl's back.

"She's right; Karin is the only person who knows Toshiro that best." Renji noted

"I can't believe he actually likes the candy I give him." Ukitake said crying a bit.

"Rin-rin's talking is making me sad, Kenny. Why is she crying? Did snowball do something to her?" Yachiru asked. Not quite understanding. Kenpachi just patted her head. "I hope you'll never feel this way. Or I will tear the asshole limb from limb.

Yumichika said "Oh, this love is so beautifully depressing."

"I never knew she held it in all this time. She seems so happy just yesterday, well every day, really." Nanao said, taking the tissue offered by Hisagi and dabbing her eyes with it. She was tearing up just listening to the story. It was so sad.

"Let it all out, sweetie. It's okay. Don't hold it in." Rangiku murmured. Karin took a shaky breath and continued.

"Do you know how hard it is? To smile every day because I'm his best friend? To laugh and tease him when he tells me about his date with Momo. How it was perfect or how great she looked. To pretend that I'm nothing more to him, that I'm just the person he plays soccer and trains with. He tells me about his dreams sometimes, but I have to keep the hurt in then because most of the time those dreams are about him and Momo. Laughing, dating, having fun it hurts sooo much. But he never noticed. It was so stupid of me to believe I was special to him. I never was. That spot was Momo's I will never be what she is to him. I will never be as important as she is. I will never be her." Karin whispered the last part sadly. Rangiku was crying alongside Karin now. And outside, they were running through more tissues than a group of PMSing girls watching the Titanic.

"My daddy used to say that it's better to know love and be left than to never known love at all. But I think he's wrong. If it was better then why does it hurt so much? It's like being stabbed in the heart every time I see him smile at her. Every time he takes her on a date. Every time he gives her a gift, it hurts Rangiku. _So much_. And I can't make it stop.

"Why don't you get over him already?" Matsumoto asked

"It's not that I don't, it's that I can't. I've been trying for decades. If I can't get over it by now, it's likely I'll never get over it." Karin said wistfully.

"So that why you keep on training till you collapse. To try to forget about him." Rangiku said. Karin nodded. Sometimes Karin would disappear for a few days or more and we would feel her reiatsu dancing nonstop. And when she came back she would faint right when she set foot in Sereitei. Clothes torn, body battered and reiatsu almost non-existent.

"Thank you ran-chan. I think that's enough crying for me to last a century or so." Karin said attempting a weak smile. Matsumoto nodded and let her go. The shinigamis outside made a silent agreement to not mention this incident to anyone else and that it stays between them. Then nodding they shunpoed off. Each in their own thoughts about what they just heard. One things for sure they all though Toshiro was a jerk, even though it wasn't his fault.

Karin opened the door, and flashed stepped back to her room in the eleventh division. She wiped away her tears and washed her tear-streaked face. Once that was done she stood in front of the mirror and practice smiling. The first attempt was pathetic, but she kept on going until she could smile brightly three times in a role. That's when she knew she be ready. Stepping outside she made her way to Sokyoku Hill. It was time to watch the sunset with Toshiro. And also time for him to tell her about his date in the real world with Momo.

"Hey, Karin, can you believe it. On the way here I was attacked by Kenpachi, Shunsui, and Renji. I can understand Kenpachi but the other two? They keep on babbling about a girl's heart, broken and jerk. As if I could understand that." Toshiro said as he sat down next to her.

"Hey Tosh." Karin said grinning. So they were eavesdropping. Punishment time later.

"Anyways, it was so much fun at the amusement park. Momo was so cute on the roller coaster, squealing and blushing. And the dress she wore today, looked so beautiful on her…." Toshiro continued to talk. Karin took a deep breath and shoved down the restrictive feeling in her chest and carried on the conversation like her heart wasn't breaking inside. Toshiro didn't notice, he never does.

In the end, it didn't matter how much she cried into Matsumoto's shoulders. Or how many high class shinigamis heard her do it. Or how much comfort they give her. It didn't change one thing. The masked, cheery smiled still stayed on her face. Even when she saw his loving gazes directed at Momo. Even she heard him propose she smiled. Even at their wedding she ignored the pitying glances and smiled. Even when he showed her his newborn son she smiled and congratulated him. Even when she saw him and his family laughing together she smiled and pretended nothing was wrong. Even when he broke down in front of her because Momo was in the hospital from Hollow poisoning, she smiled and played the role of the comforting best friend. Never telling him what she really felt, always smiling and keeping her feelings to herself. Even though it pained her to see the children of Momo and the man she loves, she smiled and played with them like it was the most normal thing in the world. She kept it all in till she died. Maybe, in another life, Toshiro, I would be your girl. I would make you stay. I would have told you what you meant to me. Then maybe you'll notice me waiting at your backdoor. Maybe then you'll find that all you've been looking for has been here the whole time. Yes, Toshiro, in another life you belong with me.

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><p><strong>This is my sad version of my intake on the songs:<br>"The one that got away" by Katy Perry.  
>"You belong with me" by Taylor Swift<strong>

**Some of the quotes are from the songs. It's sad, the saddest thing I've wrote. Thanks for reading. MERCYN :**


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